The Somali boys love soccer more than anything, I watch them play until it gets so dark they can’t make out the ball anymore. They talk loud and fast. Their tall gangly bodies full of nervous energy, as if being constantly on the move is what keeps them together. Sane. When I first arrived I thought we had nothing in common but our history of violence, but that’s not entirely true. They look grown to me, so much older than their real age. Their maturity intimidates me, but out there on the soccer field they’re just kids playing. Experiencing childhood, the way it could or should’ve been. It’s strange living in an all-male environment, being around all these guys, cocky and self-assured, certain of their part, their significance, their place in the world. It’s all an act, but they act their part so well, and I can feel myself withdrawing into my shell. Becoming the quiet, invisible kid I was certain I had left behind. I apologize for being alive, for taking up space, for breathing their air, that’s me. “Could it have anything to do with the fact that you don’t want to settle in?” my friend asks. There’s no special treatment, no being an ”only child”. There’s no L spoiling me, letting me do whatever I want whenever I want, but I wonder if they know how much I crave rules. How much I crave parenting, boundaries, structure. I understand why prison is not such a bad thing for some people. They wouldn’t survive in a different environment, they wouldn’t know how. I feel like I had more common sense at 9 than I do now. I knew my place, my responsibilities. I had a role, a part to play in keeping my family together. Now I’m just scared. I don’t know what’s expected of me. I’ll stay out late, I’ll get drunk just to get a reaction. I want consequences, I need tough love. I’m not that fragile, I won’t break if you punish me, but you might get through to me, the person inside the shell. Maybe I’ll never be able to understand any language other than violence. The way my dad ”spoke” to me. He’d know how to get my attention. Everything seemed crystal clear then.
14 comments:
Hi Charlie. Thank you for commenting on my blog.
It seems your life has just gone through an upheaval. Maybe if I read previous posts I will learn what happened.
Stick true to yourself. Follow whatever rules are in place, but don't bend your true self in the process.
Good luck.
Whatever happened recently in your life that brought you into the situation you are currently in, I think it would be best if you tried to stick to the rules and habits that you were used to in the past or that make sense to you.
And even if there is nobody who supervises or parents you as an individual, try not to forget that you ARE an individual.
Much love and hugs,
Lu
Charlie - This posts says so much and it's hard to read because I am half a hemisphere away and can't do anything and just don't know what to say.
Boundaries are something I have also sought my whole life. Even now, I try to write my novel based on what others tell me works, but it never ends up working for me. My mom gave me one boundary in my life: don't be gay. Well, that's a line I couldn't help cross. Enough about me though.
I need you to do something for me. It may be hard, but forgive me any assumptions I am about to make: I need you to talk to someone, an adult. Preferably someone who knows writing. I need you to show this person (or persons) your writing. Then, I need you to have a conversation with this person, they'll know what to do.
Your prolific writing is beautiful, second, but foremost it is so personal and a cry for help. I want someone to point you in the right directions. I want someone to give you boundaries that will mean something to you.
Thank you for the comments :) This is just me venting again, it's sort of like when you're having a conversation with yourself. Jonathon, that's a good idea. I guess I could try communicating with them through writing, it's less awkward than saying "this is what I need" out loud. Someone suggested I write a letter to an adult in my life, and I still haven't got around to it, but I do understand that I need to help myself and I'm working on it :)
Hi, Charlie! I do so love to hear from you. And I know that you post here mostly when you are sad. Writing is an excellent thing to turn to, I think. When life is confusing it is a good way to sort things out, and you can put thoughts down so they don't just revolve in your head over and over.I am glad that I have access to your outlet, because as painful as it is, you make beautiful observations. Gosh, everything you said makes so much sense and sounds so familiar (as in I remember feeling similarly). But it is not the only truth.
I second everything Jonathon says. I don't want to make assumptions, but I think you also need to be reaching out to someone, someone you can trust.
Maybe you will also promise us here that you will take care of yourself? Because we all are so far away from you. Are you safe?
Your writing makes me think.
It is so much deeper than the somewhat superficial stuff I spew.
Thank you so much for commenting on my blog!
I felt honored.
Enjoy life, where ever and when ever you are.
~Elle
The striking energy of the Somali boys shines like a beacon. The ones we see are the survivors, the ones given a glimmer of a chance to escape and who took it, pursued it with every ounce of energy they could muster. We see that energy on show. They have their demons, no doubt, and many moments of darkness. But the mantra with which they live their lives is clear. Don't look back.
Tina, thanks for your comment. I agree, it feels good to write! I'm safe, thanks for asking, and I'll try to do a better job of reaching out to someone. There's actually a teacher where I dance who's great to talk to.
Elle, your writing is wonderful and funny, not superficial at all. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much. I'm so behind on commenting :(
Billy, you're right. They do have an amazing inner strength. 2 of my best friends are immigrant kids and I hope I can get to know these guys a bit better. Maybe soccer is a good place to start, not that I'm very good at it :)
I love to read your posts. They're so full of emotion and insight.
The thing about confidence is that if you act like you have it, others will think you have it. And eventually, you'll feel it, too. Just like those boys who are putting on such a good act. It's tough to step into a confident role. You might feel like you're a poser, than everyone can see through you and will call you on it. But you can ignore that feeling. You can tell that voice to be quiet. Chances are, the people around you feel just as insecure, they're just better at bluffing.
Take a chance, Charlie. You're a great kid. People will like you if you just give them the opportunity.
Every time I read your posts, I get a guilty conscience that I'm often so superficial in our conversations. You're such a great person. *Hugs*
Every time I read your posts, I wish I could talk to you, even just emails, even just IMs.
It's perfectly acceptable to tell people you need boundaries. rules. especially people who already know you, who already know something about you.
in my role as a teacher, the most rewarding (and frightening) moments have been when students came to me after class or at my office to talk about their Problems. I am always a little shocked when these students apologize for taking up my time, for "dumping" their problems on me - shocked, because to me, they have given me something invaluable. I am *there* for them to talk to. I want them to feel comfortable talking to me.
I tell you this to try to help you see that the adults/authority figures in your life (your dance teacher, for example) almost certainly feel the way I do. That you should feel like you can talk to them, that they WANT you to talk to them.
Your blog has been really central to me getting my dissertation - and my career goals - back in line. I value you and your words here more than you can know.
if you ever want to talk to ME, i'm always around.
be well.
I think you may see when you get a chance to read that book I sent, that you and I have probably had very similar experiences during the tough age you're going through. So, looking at it from where I am now, I think I know what you're doing... you're choosing to believe that "growing up" is going to be the successful passing through the potentially harmful tests you're imposing on yourself at the moment.
In reality, the tougher tests were laid down on you in the past, and you had nothing to do with their design.
Don't hurt yourself, Charlie.
And your writing, as always, reveals your shine.
Thanks for the comment and great advice, Lisa. I definitely need to try harder. Oh, and I love your posts, too.
Martin, hugs back at you :)
Kittens, thanks for the comment and encouragement. It really made me think. I'd love to chat with you sometime.
Mr Smith, I'm still waiting for the book (he got caught up in work) but I can't wait to read it and discuss it with you (if/when you have time). Thanks so much for the comment, I think I get what you mean. Reading what you all have to say has really got me thinking.
Of all the people in the world that I know, you need to apologize for your place in it least of all. You exude magic, you draw it out of everyone you know and you will be majestic. As a Leo, you have no other choice.
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