I want the words to come gushing out from the pages of my notebook. A giant wave, angry and deafening, destroying everything in its path. I want the same relief I get from self-harm or alcohol, but without the telltale signs. If I could dance like you I’d let my body tell the story of every pink raised scar, every mark he left on me. My naked skin glowing, radiating determination, all strength and pride, no demons hiding in the darkness behind me. I’d ask you to be gentle and patient with me, and to hold your tongue every time you feel like lashing out. I’d ask you to draw an invisible boundary around my body with your fingertips, and to be the one who says no, please stop when my mouth says yes, go ahead. I’d ask you to listen with your eyes. But I don’t ask, I don’t talk about my wants and needs, I’m too afraid.
11 comments:
I wish I could weave a web of protection around you that gets you through every day and night in happiness. But you are amazingly wise--you may not even need it.
Your words do come rushing at me, but not in a damaging way. Instead, they make me aware.
Charlie, have you taken my advice? I wish I had had writing at your age. I wish you'd talk to an adult that knows writing. You need a catalyst.
Are you feeling better?
These words did rush at me too. This piece has such a different feel than the others. And I'm pretty sure you dance better than me. Powerful post. You had me reading again and again.
Thank you, Jan. You know you make me feel happy and you're great to talk to :)
Thanks for the comment, Jonathon. I've decided to share some things with my dance teacher and maybe a few others, but I'm not ready to show them my blog or anything else I've written. If I did it wouldn't be mine anymore, and I need this place to vent. Makes sense? I'm feeling pretty good, thanks :) Hope you are, too.
Thanks for the nice comment, Tina. This is a letter to the boy I'm seeing/dating, one I'll never show him :)
Great! I wondered who the "you" was. Thanks for saying! I wonder if you could find a way to give it away more in the piece? It is really very stunning.
I agree it's not very clear :)
At some point, an intimate relationship — whether or not it is sexual — involves trusting each other enough to say what you think. At least that's how I understand it. So I hope you can get beyond the fear.
"If I did [share my writinbg] it wouldn't be mine anymore, and I need this place to vent."
I think that is a mature statement, Charlie. It shows me that you Aren't hiding yourself from anyone, you are keeping some things for yourself though. Well said.
Charlie--your words are always so vivid and powerful. I am always impressed with whatever you choose to share. Thanks!
Charlie - I just got back on line after a month and read your post. Your writing blew me away. Again.
Thank you, Heather :)
Thank you, Robert :) Glad you're back online.
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