A rite of passage is described on Wikipedia as ”cutting away from the former self”. In my red leather-bound dictionary the word passage is described as ”the process of passing from one stage to another”. I think of it as a journey or a giant leap where the outcome or destination is unknown. It’s the story of a butterfly, of transformation. Boldness as well as uncertainty. Beauty as well as fear. I crave change, I want it so desperately, but change is a scary thing. I’m not afraid to jump, of letting go, but I’m afraid of the unknown, of landing in the wrong place. I’m too far away to make out the details, too young to make sense of the big picture. All I know is what I feel. Change is unsettling, unfamiliar. Change is somewhere I’ve never been.
Sometimes I think I need my own Vision Quest, a way to make peace with the changes. Something to guide me along the way, someone to point me in the right direction. You will not grow up to be like him, we are not genetically programmed to become violent, but no one mentions violence around here, it’s too dangerous. What if it triggers a bad memory, what if it upsets someone, what if they start crying? Violence is taboo, it’s the elephant in the room, we talk around it, we ignore it, we don’t talk at all. We’ve never discussed how abuse changes a person, a child, a boy, but we don’t talk about love either, do we? Intimacy. Boundaries. Respect. Nothing important.
21 comments:
Something to guide me along the way, someone to point me in the right direction.
You might be surprised how easy that is to find.
When you say "we" do you mean the blog-o-sphere known as Blogspot or everyone in general? There's no doubt that Abuse can change a child and forever alter how they see the world and who they are when they grow up versus who they may have been. Surround yourself with good people who support you, get rid of those who bring you down and only cause more pain. Write. You're a very talented writer, everyone can see that. Write about the changes, what makes you uncomfortable, what's "exciting".
Vision Quests can be extremely powerful experiences.
Hayden, thanks for your comment and advice. By "we" I mean myself, my family and the adults around me (sorry, my writing is unclear at times). Do you have any personal experiences from vision quests? If you do I'd love to hear about it :)
goleftathefork, thanks for your comment. You're probably right, I guess I haven't been looking in the right places :)
Charlie,
Maybe the people around you are afraid to bring up violence because they don't want to make you uncomfortable? If you've lived in a violent past, many people around you may be hesitant to bring it up.
I haven't gone on a Vision Quest, I'd like to one day but I can't right now because of school. I've heard they're extremely powerful and personal experiences. I imagine when Henry David Thoreau wrote "Walden" he was going on a sort of "Vision Quest" himself.
Charlie,
You will not grow up to be like him, we are not genetically programmed to become violent.
Years ago someone told me I was at the chrysalis stage - still inside the cocoon & growing. Of course, flying around later will be spectacular. But right now, as the chrysalis, you are doing exactly what you need to do.
And in fact that flight someday will be spectacular.
Change is one scary mofo. I made a huge change in my life last fall and all has been hunky dory since...until today. For the first time, I have been doubting my decision, my big change, but it's always going to be a work in progress. They say change doesn't happen over night. And it can take forever before you see the desired results, but when you do, it's amazing. So they say.
Wishing you an epiphanitastic spring!
If you the discussions won't happen at home, with family, then it would be good to have the discussions with someone outside the family whom you can trust — possibly a friend, probably better an adult who is in a position that has given him or her experience with people in situations like yours. It could be a teacher, counselor, clergyperson, psychologist. Or maybe there is some sort of support group.
But if you want to talk about it, find someone, adult or friend, whom you trust to keep your secrets, and talk about it.
Charlie I’ve read your post several times, hopefully I have to say something meaningful tomorrow.
I've always relied on books - fiction - to guide me along, point me in the right direction. In time, I've come across people who also helped. Sometimes, I think I should actively look for someone to point me along, but really: I'M the only one who can do that.
Goleft & Hayden are both right, though: it's surprisingly easy to find and surround yourself with people who can support you.
Those important things can be the hardest things of all to talk about, which is so strange but so true.
I don't know if you've already done this, but a good counselor, therapist, etc can be an enormous help. they're not emotionally involved in your issues, so they can help you think and talk about things without getting their own stuff mixed in.
you've got a pretty solid cheering section in your blog commenters - I'd bet most of us (well, me anyway) would be happy to listen and help in any way possible.
I remember when I was a kid, I used to go on a lot of really long train rides. Alone. I always enjoyed the being-on-the-train part, but I hated it whenever the train finally stopped, because that was when I had to deal with actually "being" somewhere.
This is just a train stop, Charlie.
Hayden, I hope you'll get to go on your Vision Quest sometime in the near future. I've read some Thoreau, he's definitely an interesting character :)
Robert, thanks for your comment. I love what you wrote about being at the chrysalis stage. I should've emailed you ages ago, I'm sorry.
Jonathon, I hope things will improve for you soon, maybe you're just having one of those days when nothing feels right. We all have them, right? Sparkling glittery spring wishes right back at ya!
naturgesetz and kittens, thanks for your comments. I agree with what you're saying about getting outside help and I'm working on it :) naturgesetz, you mentioned support groups, I went to Alateen a couple times and it was really helpful. Most of the teens I met in group had some experience with domestic violence.
kittens, I agree, books are a great resource and real people are even better :) Thanks for saying that you'd be happy to listen. Likewise, I'm here if you feel like venting about stuff.
Thanks, Martin. I planted some more seeds today. Sunflowers and marigolds :)
Mr Smith, I can relate to that feeling. You feel okay while you're travelling, but leaving the safety of the train is the really hard part. Thank you for stopping by.
I hope I didn't miss any comments. Thanks, everyone.
"Let's not talk about it, just in case." They are scared to, that means it is up to you to show that you are ready and that now is the time. That you NEED to talk about it.
The conscious effort to be open: open to change, open to the people that change brings, open to the swirl of emotions that springs from deep. That's the most important thing.
Billy, that makes a lot of sense. I sometimes (or often) expect them to read my mind and that's not how it works. Thanks for pointing that out. The last part of your comment is so beautifully written, do you have a blog? I can't find a link on your profile.
Wow, Charlie. Sending hugs to you. Please count me as one those good listening/talking folks you can confide in, should you wish to. Sure, there's great distance between us, but I'll be glad to help in any way that distance allows.
That you're writing is a good first step and I'm glad to hear you've checked into Ala-Teen before. Be safe and strong and know that you are loved by many people, my friend!!
Thank you so much, Greg. I really appreciate it. Hugs back :)
Charlie - on the email, whenever, if ever, no worries.
I can so totally relate to wanting to go on a Vision Quest. I used to dream about it when I was young. I haven't thought about that in a long time. :)
I loved the line in your post where you said, "Change is somewhere I've never been."
Charlie, I like your poem Lee featured at his blog. Well done. How are ya, anyway?
Lisa, I'm sorry I missed your comment. For some reason I haven't received any comment notifications lately. Yes, wouldn't it be fun to go on a Vision Quest? You should do it, and then write about it! I don't think I'm brave enough :)
Thanks, Jonathon. Pretty busy :) Yourself?
Busy too, considering it took me this long to get back to you. I took a nice long break from blogging and I am ready to release my thoughts on the world, again.
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