I wake up feeling angry, pillows and blankets on the floor, even my dog is keeping his distance. Watching me from across the room, wagging his tail, just a little. Come lunchtime I’m back in the boys’ bathroom with my toothbrush, flushing the toilet to cover up the ugly sounds of vomiting. I realize that I’ve been holding my breath all morning, everything tight and rigid, my chest ready to explode. My friends don‘t ask, but I tell them anyway, I was coughing so much it made me sick, is all. I’m smiling now. Everything is fine. I’m not running away from my problems, I’m simply getting rid of them.
You’re being mean, she says. You’re selfish! Stop acting so goddamn juvenile. I want to scream in her face, call her every bad name I can think of. I want to tell her that it’s normal to fight, other kids fight with their parents all the time, what makes us any different? We never make up, we never say sorry, our words are left hanging in the air. I want to grab her arms and wrap them around me, but I stay where I am while she’s hiding in the kitchen, crying quietly. I pick fights because I want to know if you really love me, it’s my way of testing you. I’m too afraid to ask, too much of a coward. What if the answer is no?
25 comments:
I've done the test thing too, the thing is, it doesn't work. We play the conversation over and over in our heads, as though we went into the future and recorded it. The pillow is sadly the receiving end of our frustrations, sadness, and overall attempts at comfort.
Here's the most IMPORTANT thing. Do you love yourself?
I love that you're here. I love that you remind me of what it took me to get to where I am and in an odd, twisted way, that makes me so happy.
"See, Mom, look what I can do!" In my head the conversation goes on and on. "I can tell you all about my writing and that I am going places, but I will never tell you about a boy I like. Is that okay with you? Is that your preference?"
"What about Robin? she always asks.
"A) Robin has a boyfriend. B) I am fucking gay! Remember, you kicked me out because of it...remember?"
"I love you."
"Do you?"
Charlie, you clearly love yourself, I can see it here in your words and in our lovely chats. While I never want your writing to lose it's honesty, I pray that it loses it's current sadness and I pray that you find acceptance in all areas of your life.
Wow!
Real communication is so hard in a situation where it has not been customary. I know from experience, although in my case, it's just silence, not arguments..
The thing about you, Charlie, is that you clearly know more about yourself than I knew about me at your age. In fact, I think you have a way of expressing things about where you are and what your journey has been like, that -- when I look back on those years -- I still can't figure out. This is a great value in your perspective.
Andrew said it best, man.
the best thing about being juvenile (a juvenile, a teenager), is that it ends. You're not there forever; you're actually not there for very long at all, and it gets so very much better. the waiting is the hardest part.
and since i'm a latecomer to this blog (and i've read some of your older posts, but not all), i have to ask: are you making yourself throw up after you eat? or at all? i worry.
find something good to do with the anger that you feel - put it somewhere else, away from you, away from her. turn it into something great: writing, dancing, running, painting, anything.
and remember, always always: this will not last forever. someday you and she will both grow out of this and you will be better for it.
and maybe - just maybe - try giving her a hug. leaving a little note. a heart drawn on a post-it note. something, anything. be open to her loving you by loving her first and most visibly.
You write this so well. There is so much conveyed in so few words. Like Andrew said, you are so much more aware of yourself than I was at the same age. I hope this perspective provides some solace. And these commentors! We care about how hard this is.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comments. Again, it's given me lots to think about. I have a thing or two to learn about communication!
kittens, I'm a (recovering) anorexic/bulimic. I'm much further along than I was a year ago, but I sometimes revert back to my old behaviour. It's the one thing I have the most difficulty writing about. I don't want to promote anorexia/bulimia in any way. And I'll try what you said about loving her first :)
Sometimes moms don't know how to reach out, anymore than their kids do. :) And, I don't know her very well, but it's possible she's scared for you.
And, please be kind to yourself. You might feel far from being worthy or healthy or whole right now, but all you have to do is keep forward motion in that direction. Just one step at a time. And, know that we are here for you.
I skated right up to, and stepped a toe over, that bulimia line a few years ago. it's been several years since I had any behaviors, and I'm coping much better with my food/eating issues - but because I've had my own set of them, I felt like maybe I recognized yours.
and that stuff is SO hard to talk or write about.
Thank you, Heather. Parents have the most difficult job in the world, I'm sure. I wouldn't want to do it!
kittens, I'm glad it's mostly behind you now :)
Anon, how do you mean? And I'm NOT cute, but thanks.
I hope you feel a fountain of caring and support from this blog world. I fear that what I'm about to quote is too glib, but Oscar Wilde has helped me, for real, a bunch of times: “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance” Charlie, we celebrate you and wish you life-long romance.
Hi Charlie,
Thanks for coming by. I love the title of your blog and I am impressed with your writing. I was hoping your post was fiction.
I'm a parent. Hardest thing I've ever done and I thought being a teen was hard (and it sounds like you know how difficult it can be).
I'm glad we connected. I'll be buy. Adding you blog to my blogroll.
Thank you, Robert. I am feeling the support and I really appreciate it. I love the Oscar Wilde quote, unless we take it too far and become totally selfcentered :) Have you seen the movie "Wilde"?
Thank you for stopping by, Susan. We've commented a little on Facebook and I'm glad I found your blog. I'll have to check out all those books by Jacqueline Woodson!
Maybe the history you two have means you can never be a normal kid arguing with your mom. Testing her love rattles too many skeletons. Some day hopefully you'll reach a new level where the old issues don't matter.
Thanks for the comment, Billy. I think you're right about that.
You are inspirational. Just the fact that you're writing is amazing. The fact that you write really well makes everything so much more profound and really puts us where you are for a sec, and then shuts us out when we get to the end of the post. I, for one, am waiting to be sucked back in, so never stop writing and never forget what you're writing for. But you already know that =]
Thank you so much for your comment and for saying all those nice things about my writing, Me.
It's hard to be able to say what the problem might be between you and your mom. My mother is very emotionally needy, so she had unfair expectations and reactions, but I don't know if your mom has troubles like that or if she's just frustrated. She might be scared for you and be lashing out because she can't express her fear productively. It's not fair, but sometimes that's how people react.
I liked Kittens' idea. Sometimes you can't say something face to face, but you can make another gesture. And since you're so good with words, you might try writing her a letter. That way she could really look at what you're saying instead of trying to glean the meaning of it in the middle of a heated argument.
Charlie, you've really opened up my eyes to how one can write. Most of the time I just write inane observations about life as it goes on around me, but you have touched life's very core and have found the essence of beauty in your writing. It was very inspiring and I truly loved it.
I know this sounds desperate, but if you would just check my blog out, that would be amazing. I would be honored to have someone who's observations on life are as astute as yours check it out. The URL is http://confessionsofelle112.blogspot.com/ Thanks.
Thanks for writing, Charlie. We're glad there's you.
Thanks for the comment, Lisa. I think she's just frustrated and having a bad week. It happens to everyone. Writing her a letter is a good idea. I've actually tried it before, but chickened out.
Thanks for the sweet comment, Elle. Not desperate at all, I really like your blog and sense of humour :) I'm now a proud follower.
Thank you, Greg :)
Just checking in. Hope you haven't had another day like that one.
Beautifully written.
Thanks for checking in, Heather. Thanks, Anon. I've been neglecting this place again!
Just write when you feel like you need to, there's no rush. No right or wrong way.
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