I’ve been obsessed with safety, the idea of being and feeling safe all my life. Safety is the very opposite of being afraid, it’s the opposite of running. Feeling safe at home, at school, but most importantly in my own skin. I imagine it’s like breathing very slowly, calm like the dark silky surface of a garden pond. Not a single ripple, not a sound. But my stomach is always in knots, my breathing rapid. There is always hesitation, a slight tremor in my voice, like it’s about to break but never does. He’s shy, she says and they nod and smile. Being shy can be cute when you’re a kid. Everyone likes a polite young man. You’ve raised him well, he’s come a long way. But I’m keys jangling on a key chain, I’m coins rattling in someone’s pocket. I sleep with my fists and jaws clenched tight. I feel vulnerable, I feel like prey. I still act like a victim, I never liked the term survivor anyway. To be a survivor means to have survived, to have risen above it all, to forgive and forget. To move on. But what if I can’t?
18 comments:
I've reviewed your posts.
It seems to me that you're doing the right things — group, using this blog to express how you feel. Maybe you also need time. Perhaps these things can't be overcome except over time.
I'm sure we all have a general idea of what was involved, but you haven't been able to give us specifics. Would it help you if you could make yourself name it? Just a question for you to consider, not one you need to answer here if you don't want to. Know that we want to be here to listen and understand — and help if we can.
Beautifully written, Charlie! Feel safe, be safe in 2010.
Thank you Naturgesetz. You're right, using this blog like I'd use a diary does help in a lot of ways.
Thank you Bill :)
You choose your words and compose them into txt, maybe you should opt for becoming a writer, my dear. Propz Pilgrim
Ahhh... good job, Charlie.
There are five sentences in the middle that are particularly brilliant. I should have checked back here sooner, and I am happy that you added some prose to your blog.
Keep it up. You definitely have a gift, and that's something you should hold onto. Maybe it's your payback for the things you've been through; but you are uniquely talented.
I'm going to quote you.
Charlie, you write so beautifully, and it's clear that you're a complicated, thoughtful, intelligent person. Thanks for visiting my blog. I'm going to add you to my Google Reader because above all, you're an interesting person.
Your writing is beautiful. I respect the honesty of your words. It is comforting to know our future is in the hands of young men like you.
Thank you. Check out the you tube on ethan mcnamee. He is another young man of the future. I am biased. He is my student.
Charlie--Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. Thank you for being a supportive part of the community.
I sometimes feel safest when I'm running, like I'm carving myself out of the wind, earth and thumping of my feet.
Charlies--Thanks for stopping by my blog. You have a lovely "voice." I think teens have special gifts for making all of us "old" folks remember what it was like to be young.
Keep writing!
Thanks so much for visiting and for your kind comments :)
Charlie, it takes great courage to share yourself in any capacity, and especially to reach out and connect with others through blogging like this.
Thank you for letting me, and others, read your beautiful words. You have a true gift - trust me on that, it's my job, and my greatest pleasure, to discover talents like yours.
There's a Japanese expression - Gambatte - loosely translated it means persevere, or you can do it. I have it tattooed on my arm to remind me I can. So can you.
I look forward to visiting you again. :)
Thank you, Rebecca. Gambatte, I love that!
Charlie,
You visited my blog so I thought I'd visit you back. You express yourself really well; I'm glad you've found writing as a passion and an outlet (and, I should add, a skill!). I stupidly burned my diaries when I was 16, never imagining that as a writer I would really need to go back to that time and visit my old self. Just felt the need to tell you that whatever you express, make sure you save it! If you don't want it on your blog, stick it in a drawer! Heck, bury it in your backyard if you don't want to look at it again, just make sure you draw yourself a map so you can find it when you're 43 =)
All best!
Madelyn
You blog is lovely. I love the size of your posts and the intensity that is in each one. Your prose is beautiful. I'm so glad I found you from the comment challenge! I look forward to reading more.
Charlie- People call me Cautious Kel because I always try to make the safest choice!
Very eloquently written!
Charlie, your post reads like a voice to the voiceless. It got me thinking of what can make one feels safe... I don't have the answer yet, but you got me thinking. I hope that you post again soon! :)
Thank you :)
Madelyn, I've been journaling since I was 8-9 years old, and I've saved most of them. It's been a great outlet for me. I'm sorry you burned your diary, I sometimes get mad at my writing and think it's stupid and childish. I guess everyone feels that way at times :)
You have a nice way with words. The emotions come across as strong and deep. Keep writing!
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