Afterwards, when everything was out in the open, I sensed that the grownups around me were holding their breath, waiting for something to happen. They would say things like “don’t be afraid of your anger” and “expressing anger is healthy, just let it out”. It’s almost like they were expecting me to go off or explode at any second, that’s what a normal boy my age would do. You get mad, scream, maybe break a few things (or even better, you get into a fight at school and it’s ALL because of what happened to you) and then it’s over with and everyone can breathe a sigh of relief and move on. They made it sound so simple, so easy. But this “anger” they were talking about, it simply didn’t exist. I felt sad, scared, confused and very alone, but I didn’t feel angry at my parents or anyone else. Everyone’s talking about my anger, like they own it. Just ‘cause I’m a boy I’m supposed to direct the anger at other people and get in fights, not harm myself. Loud voices in class made me shrink in my seat, I couldn’t look anyone in the eye. I didn’t want to be noticed at all. No feelings, no thoughts, no sound. I wanted peace and quiet, I wanted everything to be clean, spotless like those blinding white sheets you see in the ads on TV. I wanted to sleep through everything like a small hibernating animal, wake up and all of a sudden winter has long passed and it’s spring. I wanted order, perfection and I wanted to be in control, I just didn’t know how. My body felt strange and unfamiliar to me, like it didn’t belong to me and I didn’t belong in it. It became a shell, my armour, a wall between me and the outside. You can punch and kick that wall all you want, try to tear it down, but you’ll never succeed. You’ll never find the person hiding on the inside. Grownups were hoping for this huge explosion of words and angry tears, when all I longed for, all I really needed, was the silence afterwards.
8 comments:
That feeling of nothing, emptiness, like a black hole inside slowly pulling us in. Like a plague from the dark ages. Mercilessly.
Everything is inside, outside all are the same. How are you dear? I'm ok. All eyes, no one understand. No one can. The words are impossible to put together.
I've read your poem many times by now. It's great. It's eerie. Thank you.
Love
D
Yeah, most relatives expect you to be an angry brat when you ain´t. P.S., I linked you as friend on Facebook. That ´kay w/you? :-) Propz Pilgrim
How beautiful your blog is, that’s my first impression when I look at it, and now I can understand its title, a bit, you’re so young and already have this lithified sadness, other people need a whole life for that, sigh. Somehow, I have the feeling a comment like mine disturbs the mood of this place too much. I can feel what you say. Almost. Good luck.
Though I don't know your motive for writing about the topic "anger", I perfectly know what you feel about calmness.
Whenever I need it, I try to go somewhere where I'm all alone, or where I am at least among strangers. Even though it may not be technically peaceful at those places, it makes me feel more distant towards the problems of my everydays' life, and afterwards I can usually see them from an easier angle.
My wish for you is that your social environment will be more comprehensive when you indicate that you need silence.
Lunario
Great post. You write so evocatively.
I hope someday you find someone you can let through your guard, and enjoy the randomness of life with.
Thanks for your kind comments :) Things are better than they were 3-4 years ago. I do have people I can talk to and share things with and I don't feel as isolated and scared anymore. I'm still trying to find healthy ways to get rid of the sadness and anger 'cause in the past my first choice would always be self-harm. Now I know I have other options, like writing or photography.
This is powerful. Love it.
You wrote "My body felt strange and unfamiliar to me, like it didn’t belong to me and I didn’t belong in it. It became a shell, my armour, a wall between me and the outside. You can punch and kick that wall all you want, try to tear it down, but you’ll never succeed. You’ll never find the person hiding on the inside."
Holy crap, it is like you got inside my head and found my secret. Scary!
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