There are no dramatic highs or lows, just a constant lull. Catch and release. Inwards and outwards. Over and over again. I’m present in the room, my body is doing what it’s supposed to, but my mind is somewhere else. I feel disconnected. Perhaps these aren’t the right meds for you. I’m always tired, but my blood count is fine. My weight is stable. There’s nothing wrong with me physically, I’m growing like a weed. I’m catching up. Everyone’s thrilled, but nothing fits. I can’t even get the words to sound right. Get a grip. Snap out of it. Wake up. I have the best dreams. Vivid, sensual. I don’t want to wake up. Sleep is safe. I remember when it used to be the opposite. Dark circles. Lethargic. Find something to get excited about. Notice the trees, the colourful leaves. Take an interest in the world around you. But why should I? I’m alone because I choose to be. I chose this. What makes you happy? When was the last time you really laughed, the kind of laughter that makes your stomach hurt? Uncontrollable belly laughter, you know what I’m talking about. I’m so inhibited, so repressed. Always in control, unless I’m drunk. You should see me then, I’ll bet you wouldn’t recognize me. Looselimbed and giggling like a little kid. Willing, eager to please. I want to shake you. Like a rag doll. Make your teeth rattle. I hate you. Loosen up. This isn’t ballet. What’s the worst that could happen? Humiliation? Being laughed at? No, you don't understand. If you don’t talk it out you’ll act it out. Screw you, this isn’t about trust. This isn’t about taking risks. I never let go. I can’t, if I did I would drown.
4 comments:
Having no extreme highs and lows is a good thing. Being in control is a good thing.
On the other hand, if you never feel a little bit higher or lower sometimes, and if you're too tightly in control, then it's probably a good idea to be talking to the other person, so as to be able to let go a little without having to fear drowning.
An insightful piece of writing. Thanks for sharing it.
"Sleep is safe." That popped out and seemed so powerful... the core is safe. All else can follow.
"everyone's thrilled, but nothing fits" - what a sentence! how very many complex meanings you convey with that short phrase...
when WAS the last time you laughed until your stomach hurt?
some days, weeks, months (years?) you just have to hang on and ride out that slow wave of disconnectedness, of almost-monotony, of lull.
I read all your posts, Charlie, but sometimes I don't know what to say. Give advice? I think you've heard it all before. Praise your writing? Well, of course, but again, you get plenty of that.
I think a lot of kids struggle with the things you struggle with. Certainly your experiences are different, but the core emotions are similar. You just seem to feel those things more strongly. And to be brave enough to write about them. Of course the risk of that is that people worry about you. Maybe we'd worry about all kids if they put their thoughts and fears on paper like you do. Maybe that idea will give you a little reassurance. Even though you feel alone in your experience, even though the adults in your life try to direct you in their idea of "healing", you're not the only person to ever feel these things. And you'll get through them just fine, in your own way.
Post a Comment