For a brief moment I feel fine, almost a little drunk or high. My body resting on top of the sheets, relaxed and warm like I‘d spent the whole day playing outside. There’s no one else in the room, no anxiety or pain. He’s not coming back. Do I want him to? I feel safe here. I’m laughing, see? Giggling in a little boy voice. I’m beyond tired. I could sleep for days, months, years and it wouldn’t be enough. When I was younger I couldn’t stand the sight of blood. Its bold aggressive colour, its warmth and smell. It doesn’t bother me as much anymore. The cuts scream look at me, please help me, please notice me, please hold me, but they’re old reminders. I haven’t cut in a long time. I miss the release, being able to cry. I’m fine now, I’m doing fine. It’s barely noticeable, what I’m doing to my body. I look healthy, you said so yourself. You gave me the all clear, permission to slide further, deeper into hell.
The little kid had so many questions. He waited and waited, but the opportunity never came. They moved quickly from A to Z, rushed through the different stages of grief, told him to share but never paused for long enough to really listen. Silence is uncomfortable. Grownups like to see results. When there’s no visible progress people lose their patience and then they give up. Throw away the crayons and sketch pads, the ugly rag dolls he wouldn’t touch. You win, Charlie. You can go now.
16 comments:
I've never heard of cutting / self harm until just recently and now it seems like I am seeing it everywhere. It almost seems unbelievable to me. I guess I've led a sheltered life.
Damn, Charlie. This blew me away. The pace with which your writing moves is very quick and pointed, but I feel like I am reading something wholesome. It's quite a strange feeling. It's enjoyable and disturbing. It's painful and relieving.
Brian, cutting/self-harm is very unhealthy and potentially dangerous and it's not something I agree with, but I do write about it from time to time because it's something I struggle with. It makes some people uncomfortable, I can understand that. Cutting may be more visible now, but people have been harming themselves with alcohol since it was invented. Heavy drinking is also a form of self-harm, in my opinion.
Thank you, Jonathon. I wasn't sure whether to post it or not.
"You win, Charlie. You can go now."
Everything you write is so powerful. That sentence made me stop breathing.
(PS, I'm looking forward to reading your interview w/Andrew Smith. I've been saving it for when I have a comfortable amount of time.)
As usual, Charlie, your writing is very strong and evokes some pretty powerful feelings in the reader. It's kind of a perfect thing when you can express so beautifully on topics that create uncertainty and fear in your audience. Well done.
Thanks so much, guys. I appreciate it.
Your voice is so powerful. I look forward to reading what you write.
Thank you, Whimsy :)
charlie, i love you.
Aw, you make me smile, Kittens :)
I have this blogpost open since you posted it. As one of your friends wrote, your writing is often so “enjoyable and disturbing” and in my case it makes me speechless, because not wanting to say the wrong things. It’s so intimidating deep. You’re a great young man Charlie.
I agree with the above, Charlie. Powerful writing.
Martin, thanks for your kind comment. Don't worry about saying the wrong things :)
Thank you, Tina :)
I always worry a little about you when you write things like this, but I can see from the comments that you seem to be strong even though you're grappling with such feelings. It's so beautiful, so real. I'm glad you decided to share it.
Thank you, Lisa. I always worry about sharing this kind of writing, because someone told me it reads like a suicide note, and it really isn't. Just venting :)
well Charlie it's venting on a really high level :-)
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