When I’m in a good place mentally the need to write is less. For some reason I’ve never been able to express happiness and contentment in words. Somehow “feeling fine” isn’t important enough to write about. I have to convince myself that it’s perfectly okay to be happy, to smile, to feel good both inside and out. Every day I sign my own permission slip, I give myself permission to like what I see in the mirror, to derive pleasure from my body, to accept a compliment, to feel strong and proud. Perhaps I’m scared that writing about it will somehow jinx it. Happiness is only temporary, if I get too cocky, too proud, then something bad is bound to happen. It’s like counting the prize money before you’ve crossed the finish line. Just because I’m healthy doesn’t mean I’m cured. I am a recovering anorexic, a recovering addict. Almost normal. Almost, nearly, not quite there yet. The desire, the want to change is so strong, but I’ve fought this internal battle for so long that it’s almost impossible to imagine life without it.
17 comments:
Life is not normal. You'll never be there, so rest assured, you'll never have to lose the fight that cannot be won.
Write something when you're happy. You may not feel the need...but maybe you could do it for someone else?
Good point! Thanks for the comment, Jonathon.
Charlie--I like it when you post. I'm glad that you're recovering. I did a lot of destructive coping at one time in my life too, and I think that you have to give yourself some credit for the coping. For getting through--no matter what it was that got you through. And writing it out is good. And maybe when times aren't so rough all around, maybe you will start to want to write through the happiness too. You probably won't really jinx it. But it probably feels pretty precarious. Trust your instincts, and give yourself a pat on the back for being where you are.
And--normal is overrated. And--you deserve any happiness that comes your way. In fact, you deserve to go out, hunt down, and capture your happiness.
Isn't Jonathon smart?! That's my friend up there. Charlie, it's nice to hear from you.
That's always my hope, that a hiatus in a blog like yours is actually a good thing, reflecting a more peaceful place that you have reached.
Also, is that your dog? If so, absolutely gorgeous.
Heather, I agree normal is overrated. My friend is always saying how "normal is just the setting on a washing machine" :) Thanks for the sweet comments.
Thanks for the visit and comment, Tina. Your friend likes owls and that makes him very cool in my book :)
Thanks for the nice words, Billy. I've been neglecting my blog and writing lately.
Jonathon, that's my German Shepherd. His name is Ben and I'd be lost without him!
I should remember that there might be comments in moderation. I really like all these people here! And Owls too!
I noticed your favorite movies are quite serious. While I though them all to be good and profound, what movies make you happy on the inside? Or even just on the outside and make you laugh?
I like your voice, even if it's just a few words, post more often than a month.
Congratulations on a piece of happiness! It's yours and you can do whatever you want with it - savor it, treasure it, share it... or not. Whatever you do, it's yours, and that's fantastic.
Do you know about Julie Anne Peters' YA book, "Define Normal"? Kinda off topic, but maybe interesting. (Her "Far From Xanadu" is my favorite.)
More congrats on a piece of happiness!
Way to go, Charlie! It's totally okay to let go of things -- to let them disappear without expecting some universal balancing act to come along and insert something else bad on your path forward. I know I write about that idea a lot, probably because I have to tell myself these same things all the time. I'm glad you're in a good place.
Jonathon, I'll have to think about that question for a bit and maybe write a post about it :)
Robert, thank you for visiting my blog and for your nice comment. I have read a few books by Julie Ann Peters, for example Between Mom and Jo and Luna. I haven't checked out any others because I thought they were more for girls, but I will now.
Thanks Mr Smith, maybe it's human nature to always expect the worst? Or maybe I just need to lighten up a bit :)
Charlie - You're right, Julie Anne Peters probably appeals more to girls. I'd say that'd true for"Define Normal", but there's something about "Far From Xanadu" that seemed to cast a bigger net. The main character is so strongly her own person - and in a small Kansas town. And her relationship w/her brother... I loved it.
Robert, I looked it up and I'm going to see if my local library has a copy. I love finding new books to read, especially ones with a GLBT theme. But I'll read pretty much anything :)
Charlie, I get what you mean about being afraid of jinxing your happiness. When things are going really good for me, I get a little nervous, too. But one thing I've come to realize is that just because I feel something doesn't mean it's true. There's an acronym for fear: False Emotions Appearing Real. I think it's good to be able to recognize that you're feeling something, and to give yourself permission to feel it, but not let yourself be controlled by that emotion. Don't let it make your decisions for you.
Oh, and by the way, it's okay to read girl books. In the book business they say that girls will read anything but boys will only read boy books. So feel free to break out of that stereotype. :)
Thank you for commenting, Lisa. I love your acronym for fear, it's a good thing to remember when I start doubting myself (I guess we all do it from time to time). I do read books that were (probably) written with girls in mind. If it's good it's good. I can't stand stereotypical boy adventure books (or ones about sports). I find them a little insulting :)
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