Violence makes me uncomfortable. I feel every blow like it’s my own body getting hit. I feel nauseous, sick. And something else too, naked. Vulnerable. I can’t talk about it. The other boys watch the movie without flinching, their mouths slightly open. I have to remind myself that their background has nothing to do with it. They’re just being normal teen guys, and guys like violence, it gets their adrenaline pumping and their ---- ----. I’m the weird one. Can we watch something else? My house parent smiles, ruffles my hair. Next time we’ll rent a comedy. I want to ask, who gave you permission to touch me? But I don’t, because I’m overreacting again. It’s make-believe, fantasy. I don’t have to watch this movie, I don’t have to feed the darkness. If something triggers you, simply walk away. It’s all behind me now, isn’t it? I can watch something on TV without getting bent out of shape. I can have someone touch me without getting upset. I’m not 12 anymore. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not. My new dance class is all about aggression, sexuality rather than sensuality. It’s “raw” and “dirty” and it makes my heart race. I wipe my sweaty palms on my shorts. My dance teacher tells me to open up, to loosen up, but I can’t. I don’t go near those feelings. That side of myself is closed off, a no-go area. I forget to have fun. I forget why I love to dance. Everything becomes mechanical, rigid. She looks disappointed. I tell her it’s different. Not like ballet or jazz. It won’t kill you to smile once in awhile. Gritting your teeth doesn’t count. It won’t kill you to be like everyone else. Normal.
8 comments:
I always feel like I should not comment on your posts because I don't feel able to give a suitable comment to your very well-thought and profound posts. However I can relate to almost each of your posts very much, e.g. I feel exactly the same when watching movies that contain violence, drugs or the like. The same goes for being touched; at heart, I do want to be touched, but whenever someone touches me, I feel very uneasy about it.
Love,
Lunario
It will come. When it does it will be all the more beautiful and powerful because of the release it gives.
It's so good you are dancing. It is a wonderful way to reunite your physical and mental selves, your body with your soul.
though I say it myself, all the time, I always feel sad and angry when people say "I'm the weird one..."
We're ALL the weird ones, and no one knows what's going on in your head, or the other boys' heads, while the movie plays.
I don't know your specifics, but though It may be behind you, any trauma creates ripples (which can be used for good or ill). There's probably something about your past that you're using to fuel the dance that makes you feel wonderful, just as there's something about your past keeping you mechanical in the dance that doesn't feel great. The real trick, the challenge of it all, is to make everything that is or was bad, scary, depressing into fuel for things that are good. But don't push it. You're allowed to feel your feelings. If you don't want your hair ruffled, you can say so. If you DO want a hug, you can ask for one.
Is there a way you can use the rigid, mechanized feelings that kind of dance provokes in you to a positive effect?
Whenever I've gone to dance performances - mostly ballet - what strikes me most is how much the dancers seem to *own* their bodies. that dance is this kind of gorgeous fluidity and solidity, a way of using the space your body occupies to say and be and do something. You own your body, always and all the time, and that includes when you dance (or IF you dance - there's got to be the dancer's equivalent of writer's block!) or when someone ruffles your hair.
I'm so happy to see you here, and commenting at my sad-o blog; I think of you daily (not in a stalkery way, just in a wishing-you-well way).
I am glad of you.
great post ... the part of about being touched got me ... i dont like to be touched much
It's the details in this post that got me. The movie, the people talking: the house parent, the dance teacher, the self-talk. Powerful feelings. Powerful post.
Charlie, My hope is that you have patience with yourself. You're doing an awesome job of finding your way. Some people don't even bother to try.
I don't like violent movies, either. I don't watch them. My husband has to go to them alone or with someone else if he wants to see them. It's not that I think they should be banned or anything, I just don't want to see them, myself.
I wonder if that dance class is the right one for you at this time. On one hand, it could be a good thing to force yourself to explore these feelings in a positive way. On the other, it might be too much, too soon. You don't have to force yourself to be someone else, or to be "normal". Most people who seem like they're normal are just better at covering things up.
I feel like Lunario, I don't see how I could say something useful, it's painful and good to read at the same time.
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